Overwhelmed by it all
What you can do with all the thoughts and feelings that come with an ADHD suspicion, realisation or diagnosis
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Realising that you may have ADHD can bring up some pretty strong emotions. Hearing other women’s stories, reading about their experiences and recognising yourself in what they’re saying can throw you for a loop. (I’ve linked to some of my posts in which readers have recognised themselves at the bottom.)
It can be quite discombobulating because there’s such a mix of emotions:
Relief that you’re not weird or failing at life or the only one – there’s an explanation for what you’ve struggled with for decades.
Anger that no-one recognised this in you before, as well as frustration that you haven’t seen it in yourself until now.
Grief for what life might have been like if you’d had this information earlier.
Confusion over what it all means – what is your ADHD, what is your masking, what is innate, what is learned, who are you in all of this?
Overwhelm from the new information, realisations and cocktail of emotions and thoughts coursing through your brain and body.
What do you do now, with this knowledge, with these feelings?
First of all you don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. You don’t have to find out more if you don’t want to. You don’t have to pursue a diagnosis if you don’t want to. But if you do want to you can do any or all of those things.
For a long time you probably felt like you weren’t in control of your own life, of yourself, because you haven’t been able to match up to expectations (of others and your own). Here, you are in charge of what happens next – this is not for someone else to tell you what you should do (any time a ‘should’ appears it’s a red flag).
All those ads and sponsored posts that social media shows you because the algorithms know what you’ve been looking at online? You can ignore them. You don’t need to take the test, get the app, buy the supplements or anything else getting shoved at you when you didn’t ask for it.
What matters is you.
Taking care of you as you process this new information and realisation is what matters. I know this will may seem odd when usually the last person on your list to take care of is yourself but stay with me.
You matter, your thoughts and feelings matter and taking care of you matters too.
The feelings can all be swirling around at the same time, along with the multitude of thoughts spinning around your brain and that’s overwhelming.
There are a couple of things I suggest, one for your thoughts and the other for your feelings.
Get it out
Depending on your preference, talk or write it out. Whatever’s in your head write it out freehand, stream of consciousness-style on paper without bothering with spelling or neat handwriting or grammar. Pour yourself on to the page, all the thoughts, all the feelings, all the questions, all of it. Scratch into the paper, use all the swear words you know, rant, rave, empty out whatever’s in your head and heart down on paper.
Same goes for talking it out – to someone you feel safe with or out loud to yourself. It might help to go for a walk so you can amble or stomp along, whatever works with what you’re pouring out.
Feel it out
When you’ve done that initial thought and emotion dump, take a moment to notice what is the overriding feeling you have now and name it. By identifying and giving the emotion a name you’re validating it as well as creating a little space between you and the emotion.
We feel feelings in our bodies and trying to only think our way through them isn’t going to cut it. It’s hugely helpful to get the tangle of thoughts out but we also need to move the feelings through our bodies as part of the processing. And this can feel awkward and uncomfortable when you’ve spent a lifetime trying to contain yourself to please others. But it’s needed.
So perhaps you feel angry, pissed off, flaming furious. Fair enough! Your anger is allowed (even though as women we are very much taught that our anger is not permitted). You don’t need to swallow it down, to keep it all inside. Emotions are there to be felt, how you feel is valid and you can express it.
Shout, swear, smack
Take a moment to choose where and how you can safely (so that you won’t injure yourself or others) express your rage. Is it going for a walk somewhere deserted and screaming all the profanities? If that’s not possible, is it shutting your bedroom door and screaming into a pillow?
Is it punching a cushion or smacking it against a wall with all your strength? Is it tearing up the paper you’ve just written on into tiny pieces? If you don’t know how to express your anger (fair enough when you’ve never been allowed to) try a couple of these ideas for size.
Or maybe you feel sad and weepy. Again, it’s valid, your feelings are valid.
A neurodivergence discovery can bring up feelings of grief for a lot of people as you mourn the struggles you’ve experienced since childhood and what life might have been like if you and those around you had known how your brain worked. (We don’t actually know how life would have been different or better but there’s the question mark over it.)
It's cathartic
So, as with the anger, where and how can you express your sadness? If you feel tears brimming let them flow. Allow yourself to weep, to cry, to wail, to ugly snot cry if that’s what’s needed. Your feelings are there to be felt, it may be uncomfortable to let yourself feel them but it’s needed.
You might want to cry with a loved one so you have the comfort of their physical presence and touch. Or taking yourself away to sob it all out on your own is your preference. Wrap your arms around your torso, stroke your cheek, sway back and forth – whatever feels caring and loving to yourself.
Emotions are not permanent, you don’t remain in one emotion forever. By allowing yourself to feel how you’re feeling, your anger, your sadness, whatever it is, doesn’t mean that you’re going to trap yourself in that emotion and you’ll never stop screaming swear words or never stop crying. Allowing yourself to express the emotion helps you to move through it.
If it was a beloved friend, someone you love dearly, who was having these ADHD realisations and all these thoughts and feelings, what would you say to them? Would you tell them to swallow down those feelings, push away the thoughts and keep quiet?
Or would you say, “Blimey, this is a lot, no wonder you feel angry/upset/all over the place! What would help you get it off your chest and let it out? I’m here for you.” Give yourself that acknowledgement and love.
You don’t need to navigate any of this alone.
The power of sharing your thoughts and feelings with another, trusted, person cannot be underestimated.
Whether it’s a family member, a friend, or perhaps a coach, having someone to talk with about your ADHD suspicions, realisations or diagnosis who will listen without judgement makes all the difference for how you process and navigate a way forward.
Because now that you have this realisation, this new knowledge, you can harness it and work with your brain to live the calm and joyful life you’ve always wanted. If you’d like to find out how I can be that person for you click here.
"Gabrielle holds space exquisitely, there’s a gentleness that is powerful, it’s a way of saying she’s got you. You feel accepted, seen, she shares her safety with you." - Sarah
It can help to hear how others are feeling about their discovery or diagnosis because it reminds you that you’re not alone, and shows you other perspectives.
So, how are you feeling about realising you may have ADHD, or if you know you are an ADHDer? I’d love to hear what you want to say in the comments below.
(If you’re reading this in your email click on the heart or speech bubble icon (or the ‘Read in app button) at the top of the email and you’ll be taken to Substack where you can like or comment on this post, and find lots of other posts to read too.)
Until next time,
You can click here to find out about how one-to-one coaching can support you to work with your ADHD brain, embrace your nature and your strengths, and thrive in a calm and joyful life of your design.
Whether you’re just beginning to recognise potential ADHD traits in yourself or you’re on a long waitlist for an assessment or you’ve had this self-knowledge for a while, it can be a LOT to process as you look back on how your life has been and look ahead to want you do with this information.
Go gently, you’re not alone, we’re in this together.
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Photos by Andrea Gilpin apart from shot of my book on a blanket.
Supporting quiet, introverted, sensitive, empathetic, late-discovered ADHD women find self-acceptance and understanding, as well as calm and joyful freedom to be their unique, beautiful selves.