Are you jumping on the bandwagon?
The fear of not being believed
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This worry of being thought of as jumping on the ADHD bandwagon has cropped up a few times recently so I thought I’d tackle it head on.
It’s the idea that there are SO many women in their 40s, 50s and beyond who are now declaring they have ADHD that it’s the thing to do (to quote Kat Brown, “It’s not a bloody trend”.) As I wrote in this post there are several valid reasons why more women are realising they have ADHD.
I won’t repeat myself suffice to say that hormonal changes in perimenopause (namely dropping oestrogen which effects executive function), exhaustion from decades of trying to live up to society’s standards, major shifts in family life and routine, and more knowledge and awareness of how ADHD traits present in girls differently to boys all contribute to more women discovering and being diagnosed with ADHD.
So, in actual fact, there is no bandwagon. It is not the accessory du jour, it’s not a trend and nor is it an excuse.
I believe that if a person rolls their eyes and says you’re jumping on the bandwagon it’s because they don’t have the knowledge and information about what ADHD is and how it shows up in your life. (And if they have the knowledge and information and are still eye-rolling do you want to spend your energy trying to convince them?)
It’s understandable. It wasn’t all that long ago that I didn’t think much about ADHD beyond it being the label fidgety boys in my class at primary school were given. But then I learned otherwise.
While my family and friends didn’t roll their eyes (at least not to my face) or tell me I was jumping on the bandwagon they were surprised when I told them I have ADHD. The only ones not surprised were my neurodivergent friends. Because they could see the signs, they could read my tells behind my poker face.
It’s understandable that those closest to us don’t see our ADHD. Not just because of a lack of knowledge or awareness but because of our brilliant masking. If you’ve mostly kept it together and functioned in life because of myriad routines and strategies and working bloody hard at it they won’t see the problem.
Or if you’ve been quick to explain away your forgetfulness, poor money management, messiness, poor timekeeping, over-sensitivity… as a personal failing, you’re just not good at this stuff – that’s the accepted explanation.
You’re NOT just a bit crap.
Hell, it’s why we question our own diagnosis sometimes! Because of decades of being told, or telling yourself, that this is just who you are – you’re rubbish at some stuff. There isn’t a rational, neurological explanation. You’re just a bit (or a lot) crap.
But you’re not. Let’s be clear on this – you’re not just a bit crap.
Now you know, whether you have a diagnosis or you recognise the traits and challenges in yourself (you don’t need a diagnosis to prove you have ADHD), the reason behind what has felt and been difficult for so much of your life (and what’s great too).
But what do you do if you’re worried that someone close to you, someone whose opinion matters to you, will think you’re jumping on the bandwagon if you tell them you have (or think you have) ADHD?
Let’s point out straight away that until they actually demonstrate it you don’t know for sure they will.
Let’s also remember that if they’re important to you chances are they care about you as much as you care about them. They may be confused, they may not understand at first but that brings us back to the lack of knowledge and awareness.
And that’s where you can start – sharing information with them about what ADHD really is, how it shows up in women and why so many midlife women are discovering they have ADHD.
You don’t have to begin with relating it directly to yourself if you don’t want to. You don’t have to provide justification from the outset, arguing your case for why you think you have ADHD.
You can talk about ADHD in midlife women in more general terms, mention an interesting podcast you listened to or a programme on the radio. If you’d rather not begin with a conversation you can send them links to articles or posts to read – readers have told me they’ve sent my posts to their loved ones to help explain what they’re struggling to put into words.
It can feel vulnerable to share something that feels this huge, this personal, even with the people closest to you because of the fear you won’t be believed.
Which is what the worry that you’ll be thought of as jumping on the bandwagon really boils down to:
The fear that yet again you’ll have got it wrong, you’re being too much by using ADHD as the reason for your not enoughness.
That feels scary. That feels vulnerable.
So perhaps embrace that scariness. Embrace that vulnerability by sharing how you’ve been hesitant to talk to them about this because they matter to you and it’s important that they listen and take you seriously.
The people who care about you as much as you care about them are on your side, they just might need more information to understand.
And the ‘people’ in general, the people out in the world who refuse to understand even when given all the information, you don’t owe them any more explanation or justification.
One final question to leave you with (you might like to mull over this one, perhaps in your journal) is:
Do YOU think you’re jumping on the bandwagon?
Do YOU believe that you have ADHD? Is your fear that other people will think you’re jumping on the bandwagon actually a reflection of the worry you have that ADHD is an excuse not an explanation?
If you’re looking for posts to help give those closest to you some insight and understanding try these two:
Until next time,
My diary is open to new one-to-one coaching clients. You can click here to find out about how coaching can support you to work with your ADHD, embrace your nature and your strengths, and thrive in a calm and joyful life of your design.
Whether you’re just beginning to recognise potential ADHD traits in yourself or you’re on a long waitlist for an assessment or you’ve had this self-knowledge for a while, it can be a LOT to process as you look back on how your life has been and look ahead to want you do with this information.
Go gently, you’re not alone, we’re in this together.
Photos by Andrea Gilpin
Supporting quiet, sensitive, empathetic, introverted late-(self)diagnosed ADHD women find self-acceptance and understanding, as well as calm and joyful freedom to be their unique, beautiful selves.
"You're not just a bit crap"
I can't tell you how relatable this is and how much I feel seen and validated by these words.
Another post by you that makes me feel seen, and helps me to rationlise how I am feeling. I know I have ADHD, I often think I should get a diagnosis to prove it to others, but I know I have it. What I don't do it admit that widely and embrace it, I suggested to a few people that I may have it, interestingly two of my ND friends nearly fell off their chairs laughing when I said I may have ADHD - they both thought I already knew I had it (both work in the MH sector including with NDs). They were both very helpful in guiding me where to learn more about it, without them it wouldn't have even crossed my mind back in lockdown that it's ADHD, I thought it was something else. I'm a few years into perimenopause, plus have a teenager and work full time, so I do think that's highlighted it, I definitely tell people I'm messy/ rubbish at housekeeping/ obsessively early and organised because I have to be.
I also have a sneaky feeling my new workplace have worked it out, they keep telling me to slow down so that I don't burn out, I do wonder what their reaction would be if I told them