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I’ve been deliberating over how to start this post for several days. I was wondering about whether to go straight in with the headline or tell a story that leads into the big news.
The last few weeks have been quite tumultuous, internally, for me and I’m still wrapping my head around a realisation (and subsequent confirmation) that’s dealt me aha moments and questions by the bucketload.
But I want to share it with you because it’s big for me, I’m seeing everything through its lens so I can’t not share it, and because sharing it with you will not only help me to process it but by doing so it might be helpful to you too.
So here’s the thing: I have ADHD.
Combined ADHD which is inattentive, hyperactive and impulsive, to be exact.
Yep, calm, quiet, organised me has been living with ADHD for 48 years, I just didn’t know it until this month.
The piecing together of the clues, then deciding to get a formal assessment and diagnosis – “You’re ADHD through and through, and very high-functioning” – has prompted doubts and confusion and clarity and affirmation.
What I will forever be grateful for is women in their mid-life sharing in their podcasts, posts and newsletters, their own experiences of discovering they have ADHD and what it looks like for them. It’s because of these women, like
, that I’ve learned it’s so, SO much more than the stereotypical image of a small boy who can’t sit still in class.The reason you may have noticed more middle-aged women talking about neurodivergent diagnoses is, I believe, because of this increase in awareness of symptoms and because after a lifetime of of trying to fit their square peg into a round hole (and decades of berating themselves for failing to do so) they’ve had enough. They’ve started questioning and researching, and hearing others’ stories have given them the missing pieces to their jigsaw.
So, as I continue to make sense of what this means for me, here are some of the thoughts I’m having:
I’m still the same me I was before my realisation/diagnosis, and I have a new lens I’m seeing life through.
My subconscious might have been in the know when I fell in love with the ‘Easily distracted by books and dogs’ T-shirt pictured above last December (plus the dog looks like my pup, Bailey).
Countless people have told me over several years how calm I am, how I exude calm, how I help them feel more calm – how can this be when calm is not a word most people would associate with ADHD? Have I been faking it all this time without knowing it?!
Or, is it because of the years I’ve been working on taking care of my mental and emotional health, practising mindfulness, becoming more self-compassionate, establishing nourishing habits and more? All these years I’ve been supporting my ADHD tendencies without knowing it.
Card by Hey, I’m Sakina
The many, many times I was told growing up that I was erratic, a daydreamer, a scatterbrain, absent-minded, faddish and flaky, had no staying power, needed to stick with one thing, to pay attention, to sit still, to get my head out of the clouds… I took it as a personal failing, a character flaw, when actually it was due to my brain wiring.
I can start to let go of the self-recrimination, the shame I’ve carried from those messages throughout my life.
I have countless ideas for projects and products and offerings because my brain is a brilliant ideas-generating machine.
Without conscious intention much of my work, and in particular my book The 1% Wellness Experiment, includes neurodivergent-friendly strategies and approaches – doing wellness your own way, handling procrastination and making it doable, dealing with perfectionism, all feelings are allowed, taking off the pressure by experimenting, self-permission and self-compassion… as well as some of the experiments themselves.
In fact, my whole focus and mission in my work – to help overdoing, overthinking, overwhelmed women feel more calm and joy every day – I now realise speaks to the experience of women with ADHD as well as those with neurotypical brains.And it’s why I love coaching, because it’s about supporting a person to find the wisdom and answers within themselves, not telling them what to do (which it seems ADHDers strongly dislike).
Impulsivity can make you super efficient and get things done.
I’m organised because I’ve developed a myriad strategies, systems, tools and tricks to (mostly) be on time, not miss birthdays or appointments, not lose things and be tidy, to manage my ADHD tendencies. I just didn’t know that’s why I developed them (or that other people don’t do the same).
I have a lot more to learn and understand and no doubt internalised ableism to uncover.
It explains my extreme procrastination to start a task which I know is going to be challenging, lengthy or holds great meaning for me, even though it’s something I want to do and once I get going I’ll be enthralled.
And why I find it so difficult to keep going with something I’ve lost interest in or to do things I find boring (I’ve developed strategies to help me do some tedious but necessary tasks and even make them enjoyable – again, I didn’t know it was an innate trait I was managing).
If neurotypical brains work differently to mine, how do they work? What goes on inside their heads?!
All the time I’ve tried to follow the ‘eat the frog first’ (do the hard task first) advice when what my brain needs is to do something fun and quick to get a hit of dopamine which will then make tackling a difficult thing much more doable.
Criticism feels so painful and like a personal rejection even though I know it’s not, because of something people with ADHD experience called ‘rejection sensitive dysphoria’ AND praise or encouragement feels so wonderful and sends me sky-high happy because of what psychiatrists and authors Edward M Hallowell and John Ratey call ‘recognition sensitive euphoria’. (In this post I write about trying not to take it personally.)
I love that I fall down metaphorical rabbit holes all the time as I follow my curiosity and it takes me on a magical meandering path where I learn about things I didn’t know I wanted to learn about. Yes it can sidetrack me and that’s not helpful at times but it’s just so interesting.
As a self-employed business owner, first running my stationery business and now as a coach and course creator, the reason I’ve struggled to repeatedly market and sell the same product in the same way is more likely because my brain doesn’t find repetition interesting than because I’m fundamentally bad at marketing and selling.
Hyperfocus is like a mega flow state, you can do so much in the time and it feels amazing to see what you’ve achieved or created.
There are so many different things I want to try, so much I want to learn about, I have so many questions, I’m just so interested! People and the world we live in are endlessly fascinating.
Where are my quiet ADHD women? The introverted, empathetic, sensitive, perfectionist, don’t feel energetic a lot of the time because it’s exhausting trying so hard to keep it all together women.
Those who on the outside look a lot like they do indeed have it all together but on the inside it’s a swirling frantic tangle of thoughts and worries and doubts and guilt and shame and joy and creativity and fascination and curiosity.
Where are my quiet ADHD women?
I appreciate that was a lot so gold star if you’re still with me!
While I have been on quite the emotional rollercoaster the past few weeks I feel a great sense of relief at this realisation/diagnosis. Now I make so much more sense of myself, I understand myself more and I see unhelpful beliefs and stories I can release.
I see learning about ourselves, even when they’re accompanied by labels, as empowering, not limiting. I don’t see all the ways I can’t do things or ways to make excuses for myself.
I see what makes some things tricky or challenging AND learn what will help me to manage and mitigate the difficulties so that I can go about doing the things I want and need to do.
Self-knowledge, self-awareness is freeing, not restricting. It doesn’t make life hunky-dory and easy-breezy because nothing does, but I’m excited to take this new learning and see where I go next, armed with this new knowledge.
If any of this resonates with you, perhaps you recognise some of what I’ve written in yourself or others, I’d love to chat with you in the comments, or you can reply and pop into my inbox.
Right, think we could all do with a cuppa after that, I’ll pop the kettle on…
Until next time,
PS Book links go to my store on bookshop.org where I may receive a small fee if you go on to purchase.
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More for you:
Get your free guides for more calm and joy
Listen to the Pressing Pause podcast
Subscribe to my Substack
Buy my book The 1% Wellness Experiment
How you can work with me:
One-to-one coaching
Take an online course
Supervision for coaches and people who support other people
I have a few of these things going on (I wouldn’t say I have enough of them or they’re severe enough to be diagnosed neurodivergent though) I am all those quiet things and mostly procrastinate and need systems in place to be organised etc . I have bought your 100% wellness book and it’s on my the pile, this gives me more reason to read it… and maybe another book could be on its way with what you discover from your discovery? xx
* to be read pile