Trying not to take it personally

Also, audiobooks…

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Welcome to The Haven…

…a place where you can take a breath, find comfort and understanding, inspiration and ideas to overcome your overwhelm and move forward with more calm and joy.

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‘These things are sent to try us’ is a phrase I heard a lot growing up and sometimes I wonder if the universe does indeed like to test us.

A week or so ago I posted on Substack Notes (sort of like Xwitter without the snark or Insta without the reels) about how the five-star Amazon rating for my book, The 1% Wellness Experiment, had been broken by a three-star, no review, rating. I wrote that I was surprisingly okay with it.

I didn’t know why that person chose to give the book three stars as they didn’t leave a review as explanation. It’s just their opinion of a book I wrote, not of me as a person.

In the post I said that people are allowed to have whatever opinion they want of my book and the fact they gave it a shot in the first place embodies the message I share of trying things out and if they’re not for you letting them go.

I felt quite vulnerable posting because a little voice inside me wondered if, by highlighting the lower rating, I would be highlighting that perhaps my book isn’t all that great after all, that I’d lower Substack Notes’ readers’ opinions of me and my writing.

Because that’s what is at the heart of when we struggle with criticism (perceived or real): that it’s a reflection on who we are as a person. What I wrote in that Note is true – I know that the rating is about the book not me, and that I don’t know what their opinion is of the book (there’s a three-star review on GoodReads stating, ‘Pretty good. I enjoyed reading it’ which isn’t a criticism at all).

But there’s knowing something and there’s truly believing and feeling and embodying it.

When I saw the Amazon rating and wrote that Note I mostly did feel and believe it. I say mostly because there was that minor voice I’ve described but the majority of my thinking and feeling really was okay with it.

I’ve worked for a long time on detaching my worth from my productivity, from my work, from other people’s opinions, which is why that voice was a quiet murmur instead of the snarling holler it would have been a decade plus ago.

And then, the universe tested me.

Flicking through pages on my phone I noticed the number of ratings/reviews on my book’s Amazon page had gone up, but the average rating had dropped.

Hmm.

Scrolling down the page to the ratings and reviews section I saw it: a two-star rating, no review.

Right.

Did I react in the same pragmatic, level-headed way as before? Not quite. Tiredness from a long, busy day supporting people with a variety of needs played a contributing factor but no, my first reaction was not, ‘oh well, c’est la vie, never mind’.

Instead my first reaction was, ‘oh no, someone doesn’t like my book, they don’t like my writing and now other people will see this and think my book’s no good and change their mind about buying it. Maybe I didn’t explain something well enough, maybe I offended in some way, I disappointed them.’

Oof.

This is why I’m a recovering perfectionist and people-pleaser because there’s always another layer even when you think you’ve peeled off them all!

It’s not surprising really. Decades of conditioning and learned beliefs that making other people happy, not letting anyone down, not messing up are essential for acceptance, safety and connection run deep. And, even after years of unlearning, are occasionally going to provoke a knee-jerk reaction.

Especially when it’s in relation to something you really care about, something you’ve worked incredibly hard on, something that is out in the world so you no longer have control over it.

My brain knows that a two-star rating, with no other information about the reason for it, is simply a two-star rating and nothing more. But my body reacted as if it was under threat, shutting off my pre-frontal cortex with its executive function and operating instead from my amygdala, leaping into survival mode.

And that’s where the thoughts which accompanied the reaction came from. Followed by going into defensive mode which saw me searching for other self-help authors whose books I love to see if they’ve had any lower ratings to show myself I’m not the only one. Unsurprisingly every acclaimed and respected author I searched for had received a few low ratings as well as lots of high ones.

This was the perspective shift that helped me to come out of fight or flight and get my executive function – the seat of reason, logic, perspective – back online.

Just as I don’t believe for one moment that a low rating reflects the writing quality of the authors I love, let alone who they are as people, I could then see that the two and three-star ratings I received aren’t a reflection of me or my writing. They’re simply ratings left by two individuals. That’s it.

Would I like other readers to add five-star ratings and glowing reviews to the Amazon page? Of course I would! (And if you have enjoyed The 1% Wellness Experiment and feel moved to share your happy experience please do so 😉)

Do positive ratings and reviews help the book to be found and bought and therefore more people might gain from what I share in it? Yes, absolutely. I have an idea for a second book brewing and healthy sales from my first will help the chances of a second coming into existence, I’m sure.

But, if none of that happened will I be okay? Yes. Disappointed, sure, but I know and as time goes on the more I feel that what I create, what I put out in the world, what others do with or think of it or me doesn’t actually say anything about me. It makes me think of that saying, ‘What other people think of you is none of your business’. It’s true.

What you do in your work, what you create, what you wear, where you live, the car you drive, how many friends you have, the number of social media followers you have, what you accomplished today, what you didn’t accomplish today, what you got wrong, how you messed up, what your family says to you, what other people think of you… none of that has any bearing on who you are. It doesn’t make you better or worse, more valuable or less worthy.

The equivalent of five-star ratings, whether it be from a boss, a parent, a friend or a stranger on the internet don’t make you a better, worthier person, just as a one-star doesn’t make you a worse, less worthy person. It doesn’t make a difference to who you are because you’re enough already, you always have been. (In this post I share a daily practice that engenders this belief.)

So what have you been taking personally, what have you taken on from the outside world and believed it says something about the person you are? And can you think about it a little differently?

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Read…

My interest in somatics and practices focusing on the nervous system has been growing for a while so I’m excited to get stuck into

Nahid de Belgeonne

’s recently published book, Soothe. She gave a Shelf Help author event a couple of weeks ago which I really enjoyed. I also find what Claire Rother shares on Insta thought-provoking.

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Did you know you can now message me directly on here?

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Listen…

From the conception of The 1% Wellness Experiment I have wanted an audio version to accompany the printed and digital book and I’m still trying to make it happen. In the meantime, I’ve recorded the book’s introduction for you to listen to for free. You can find it on my website here and I’ve also released it as episode 141 of Pressing Pause.

The podcast is taking a pause for a little while but you can find the substantial back catalogue on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts (transcripts are here).

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And finally, if you’d like my support with your overdoing, overthinking overwhelm, to tackle the people-pleasing, perfectionism and procrastination, so that you can feel more calm, free, light and joyful, take a look at my coaching info page and book a free call with me to chat about it.

Until next time,

PS Some book links go to my store on bookshop.org where I may receive a small fee if you go on to purchase.

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More for you:

• Get your free guides for more calm and joy

• Listen to the Pressing Pause podcast

• Subscribe to my Substack

• Buy my book The 1% Wellness Experiment

How you can work with me:

• One-to-one coaching

• Take an online course

• Supervision for coaches and people who support other people