Welcome to The Haven…
…a place where you can take a breath, find comfort and understanding, inspiration and ideas to overcome your overwhelm and move forward with more calm and joy.
I was talking to someone recently who remarked that the words she hears people describe her as are complementary but not exciting. They’re good words like diligent, efficient, capable and reliable. But where, she sighed, are the more exciting words like fun, friendly, daring and creative? She thought that if prompted the same people would probably agree with these characteristics but they’re not the first words that spring to their minds.
It made me think of the exercise where you imagine your own funeral and what everyone who gathers to pay their respects would say about you. How we see ourselves, how others see us, how we think others see us, and how we would like to be seen may, or may not, differ from each other.
If you put ego and modesty aside for a moment, how do you see yourself? What qualities and characteristics do you think you hold? This is your permission slip to claim the lovely, flattering descriptive words that you secretly believe but wouldn’t dare say to someone else for fear they’d think you arrogant or big-headed.
Perhaps you think you’re a witty, funny person, generous, interesting, brave, friendly, adventurous, or creative. Do you think the people around you would use those same words to describe you? How would they describe you? Different people who know us in different areas of our lives may describe us differently – the description your work colleagues give may not be the same as that of your old school friends or the PTA committee.
It's an interesting question to put to the people who know you well. It’s not an ego-stroking exercise because you can’t know for sure what they’re going to say! A word of caution: think carefully about who you ask to increase the likelihood of getting a thoughtful, considered response rather than a jokey or snippy reply, or one they just think you want to hear.
(I asked this question of a few friends and family several years ago (it was part of a business course I was doing) and one word that took me by surprise which several people said was ‘determined’. I hadn’t thought of myself as a determined person and I would never have considered the truth of it if I hadn’t asked the question.)
But you can still explore this idea without talking to another soul if you’d rather not.
Try it yourself
First of all, think of (or journal on) how you’d like to be described by your family, your friends and workmates. What specific words would you like them to use?
Now imagine it’s the wake of your funeral and everyone who’s known you is standing around eating buffet food and clinking glasses in your honour. They’re sharing stories and reminiscing. How are they describing you? What words do you hear them use?
Look at your two lists – are they the same or different? Do you think that how you’d like to be described by those closest to you is how they would describe you? If not, why is that?
For example, perhaps you’d like to be described as fun but you don’t think that’s a descriptor that would readily spring to your family or friends’ lips. What are you doing that would encourage people to think of you as fun? Wanting to be described as fun suggests that it’s important to you, that you value playfulness, light-heartedness, creativity and humour, so how can you embody them?
And, on the flipside, what gets in the way of your fun? Perhaps there are ways you stop yourself from having or being fun, or there are people or situations that suck the fun out of life. Maybe it gets shunted down your priority list in favour of more ‘important’ things.
Perhaps you’d like to be described as laid-back, someone who takes it all in their stride. How are you going through life that demonstrates your easy-going attitude? Maybe brave is a descriptor you’d like attributed to you. What are you doing, or have done, to step out of your comfort zone or challenge yourself? Or perhaps you want to be described as calm. How are you going through your day and making space to feel calm?
If you realise that how you’d like to be described isn’t currently matching up to how you are, this is an opportunity to realign yourself with your values. Our values are what matter most to us, what we stand for, and so they’re a good indicator of what we want to embody and for others to know about us.
And it may be that when you start to really think about how you’d like to be described and what evidence there is for those descriptors you realise that you already embody those words. Whether others describe you as it or not may be irrelevant because you believe it already.
Feeling a disconnect or mismatch between how you want to be in the world and how you actually are in the world puts a stress on you. It’s discombobulating, because you’re not living true to yourself. Likewise, if you’re trying to be or act like someone you’re not because that’s what you think you should be or others expect you to be, that’s equally jarring.
Deep down you know who you are and what’s true to you and if that feels tricky to figure out this exercise is one route in to getting closer to it. If you’d like help figuring it out, or embodying what’s important to you, this is something I’ve helped many women with. Take a look here for more info.
I’d love to know, how would you like to be described?
Listen…
Stressors can come at us from all directions at any time of the day and when we don’t fully move through the stress and come out the other side, we get stuck in the stress and all that goes with it – anxiety, frustration, fear, annoyance, upset…
In the latest episode of the podcast I share a simple and powerful technique to shift out of stress and soothe your nervous system.
You can listen to episode 139 of Pressing Pause on iTunes, Spotify or your podcast app of choice and you can also listen (and read the transcript) here.
Win…
If you’re in the US or Canada and you preorder The 1% Wellness Experiment before it’s North American publication date of Tuesday 27 February you could win one-to-one coaching with me!
Just add your pre-order receipt from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop.org or your local bookshop, on this page to enter the giveaway.
Pre-orders are incredibly important to authors because it helps the book to be stocked and so more easily found after publication. So if you’re planning to pick up a copy please do consider pre-ordering.
And if you’d like me to chat with you for your podcast, Facebook group or membership, or help out with features about The 1% Wellness Experiment just reply to this email and let me know.
Until next time,
More for you:
Get your free guides for more calm and joy
Listen to the Pressing Pause podcast
Subscribe to my Substack
Buy my book The 1% Wellness Experiment
How you can work with me:
One-to-one coaching on Zoom
Coach in Your Pocket by messaging app
Take an online course
About 14 years ago, not long after my dad died, I had a huge realization that I didn't like the way I was living my life. All my dad had ever wanted for me was to be happy. I wasn't. I made a decision that I wanted to go to bed each day pleased with how I chose to behave and live my life. A big part of that for me is knowing my priorities and being a nice person. I still live by that today.